I Run Around

Running is the most natural form of exercise

Never good at this title thing

on November 13, 2013

Went to the hospital today to see my dad. He’s been on medication that relaxes him and gets him to sleep while he’s going through alcohol withdrawal. His tremors were pretty bad yesterday from not having alcohol or his pain medication. Which is good, that he didn’t have those two things, but bad because the tremors were scary. His kidneys are started to get affected from the drinking. We don’t know how much yet because I haven’t been able to meet up with a doctor since his admission. 

I see this man so great, so big, so tall, so proud and strong. And stubborn. He can do anything, he knows everything. He’s my Dad. Cut down to this horrible mess by the addictions. The addictions that were fed by his family, his generation, his genetics, his coping skills. A life so long and so great disintegrated into this skinny old man laying in a hospital bed, his mind gone from the ativan, his arms and back all scratched up from the itching caused by an antibiotic reaction, his lower legs unusable from swelling, cellulitis, inflammation, gout, absent circulation. Red, raw, the skin flaking off from his feet, ankles and calves. The lightest touch on his foot sends him yelling in pain. 

Why can’t we stop this? We urge him to keep his legs elevated. To slow down on the drinking, to give up smoking. To find a new doctor. He has tried but I think he feels overwhelmed with all the doctors. He has tried slowing down and quitting his addictions, only to end up back where he started. What are his triggers? What sends him back in that direction? I know the pain does. But I know, and he has to think, that there are more options than drowning out the pain with extra pain killers and vodka. Has he wondered about other options? Or does he think thats the only option or is the easiest? Because it’s not and it isn’t. 

Each time he’s gone in the hospital we’ve urged him, the doctors have urged him to quit smoking and drinking. And he says that he will. I honestly believe that he does try when he’s home…but we end up back in the emergency room six, seven months later. Because he is able to think and make decisions for himself we have to let him. He refuses drug and alcohol treatment. It doesn’t seem like there’s much else for us to do besides prove that he’s a danger to himself or others. 

This is not how I want him to die. I don’t want him to die at home from an overdose or go through excruciating pain at the hospital. 


2 responses to “Never good at this title thing

  1. Miss Paryss says:

    My a God. This was so candid, and so open. Praying for a dad, because I know how stubborn dads can be! Everything will be alright!

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